Seriously, Nigeria

Before,  full of hope and promise

All of the flags to be handed out.  I didn't even know what the Nigerian flag looked like before Friday.  I also didn't know where the hell Abuja was, let alone Nigeria. 

I don't even know how to start this post.  Let me see if I can draw a picture in your mind.  Picture me, clad in a camel pencil skirt, silk blouse and 4 inch leopard-print platform pumps, sitting in a crowded room of people, and receiving the news that in less than three short months, I will be moving to Ni. Ger. I. A.

OMG

I just looked at this picture.  Could I look any fuglier?  My big zit on my forehead is even more excited than I am to go to Nigeria.  In case you can't tell from this picture, Joey is deer-in-headlights and I am trying not to cry.

Oookay so yes, when Joey passed the oral interview in March he signed several forms stating his "worldwide availability."  And then when he started work he signed several more and throughout the bidding process was continually reminded that you are "worldwide available."  And sure, I joked about going to Africa, but let's be serious.  Worldwide available meant Costa Rica.  Or Europe.  I mean my idea of camping is sleeping on the couch.  I don't do bugs and snakes and who the hell knows what's in Nigeria.  Actually, here's the thing.  We bid thirty posts high.  We didn't get a high post.  I had looked into the African posts that we bid high and they were cool.  On the beach, lots of culture - Nigeria?  Doesn't so much have that.  Nigeria is more of the car bomb and scam you out of your money realm.  Take for example, our cab driver Friday night.  He was from Ethiopia.  We told him we were moving to Nigeria and he told us to be careful.  He said it was rough.  The dude is from Ethiopia and he says Nigeria is rough.  I am from Iowa!  I think the East Side of Des Moines is rough! 

So after pouting Friday night, Saturday morning we decide to read some of the post reports - maybe it'll be cool.  Not so much.  Every post report written talks about how boring it is there, how even those with the best attitudes end up depressed and how it is corrupt and dangerous.  F***!  At this point I'm bawling and hiding under the covers and Joey doesn't even know what to do.  After laying in bed until 3 Saturday afternoon, Joey finally coaxed me out to do a little commisserating with some of his friends.  Turns out only one of them really got the post she wanted (bitch got Paris).  The rest all would prefer to be somewhere else - we joked before Flag Day that the placement officers played darts with the bid list and our names but it appears that is exactly how they choose where you're going.  Sure, this job is a great management opportunity for Joey but HELLO not a good living opportunity for his wife.  I know I shouldn't be this negative and get all of you worked up and I'm trying really hard to remind myself that we signed up for this and that it'll be okay and it's only two years and we get mega equity from this post so the next one we're virtually guaranteed to go where we want (WESTERN EUROPE) but its still a hard pill to swallow.  I think the part that makes it hardest is we move right after freakin Christmas.  We both really thought we'd be in DC through Spring and possibly into Summer and now that I finally feel comfortable here I have to leave.  TO GO TO NIGERIA.  Then Friday when we got home my box from Amazon had arrived with all the guidebooks and maps to DC that I ordered. 

Anyways, I'm going to make the most of it.  I think I'm going to try to get a part time job at the Embassy and look into some volunteer opportunities.  I guess since they speak English that's one less aspect of culture shock...and we have a lot to do in the meantime - figure out a car, figure out how to get the dogs there, figure out our consumables shipment (2500 lbs of dog food, shampoo, cleaner, etc. since its so hard to get there), and get immunized.  Apparently I have a lot of shots to look forward to.  Which just adds salt to the wound because I don't really want that shit put in my body, not to mention the malaria pills I'll have to take weekly but I'm trying really really really hard to be positive - at least I'm not bawling or catatonic anymore....

On a positive note, I had an amazing 20-mile run yesterday.  It took me 20 minutes less than the time before and I'm ready to kick ass at the marathon.  It must be an infusion from Nigeria....

Abuja, Nigeria. 1.1.2011.

Tomorrow is Flag Day!

Wow I've been kind of slacking on my blog.  I suppose that's a good thing since it means I've been keeping busy with things other than blogging, Facebook and John Stewart reruns.  Hmm where should I start...first of all, a very happy and belated birthday to my beautiful godson, Levi.  On your birthday, last Monday, I thought about you all day and then this happened:

and I was overwhelmingly sidetracked.  As excited as I was for my coats, Ugg boots and hangers, I didn't realize exactly how much of everything else there was.  400 lbs of stuff doesn't seem like a lot when they pack it from your 1800 sq ft apartment but when they deliver it to your 900 sq ft apartment it seems like more than a lot.  So after three days of procrastinating, I finally went at it the way you eat an elephant: one bite at a time.  Now my living room looks like this:

and the second bedroom is full of boxes....

Friday night our friend James introduced us to the coolest bar, The Gibson.  Its a prohibition-style speakeasy and if you were walking down the street you would never be able to find it.  Standing outside of what looks like a completely abandoned storefront was a man in a tie with a notepad.  James asked the man if he had room for two and the man sent someone inside to check.  We were in luck, and so the man in the tie escorted Joey and me (James had another engagement) into a hallway and then through another door to the coolest bar I've ever seen.  It was completely candlelit with black walls and glass tables and dark leather booths with little red accents everywhere - we were led through the bar to this fabulous patio with strung lights, little round tables and more candles.  Then there was the menu.  Though we're talking major DC cocktail prices here (hello $15 for a drink), I found the holy grail of cocktails: ALCOHOL AND GELATO FLOATS.  There was a whole section of drinks made with homemade gelato - and wow they actually tasted better than they sounded.  So two drinks each later, we waited in line with several other slightly inebriated yuppies at Ben's Chili Bowl (apparently one of Obama's favorites - as evidenced by the sign on the register that read "The only people that eat free here are Bill Cosby and the Obama Family), a U Street favorite since 1958, so Joey could get a chili dog and chili cheese fries (I ate the fries that didn't get coated in chili - ew).

Saturday morning joined several other members of Joey's class at the Black Ankle Winery in Maryland for a wine tasting.  

The day was so beautiful we decided it should be spent sampling all of the wines Maryland had to offer, so along with one of his classmates, Danye, we went to three or four other wineries in the area.  Danye interned with State three times before officially joining the foreign service, so while we drove between wineries she told us about her stays in Thailand and Japan (her third was in DC).  She also introduced me to a phrase that I think will become part of my vernacular: "that's my fat girl heaven" (in reference to cheesecake and ice cream).  I'm not sure what isn't my fat girl heaven, but gelato is definitely on the list. 

Saturday night we decided to check out the Moroccan restaurant by our house.  When we got there, starving, I almost ate Joey's hand because the restaurant has no windows and the big, forboding wooden door says "By Reservation Only."  Luckily for Joey's hand, there was a valet station next door, so Joey asked the guy if they'd let us in and he said we should just try and knock.  So after knocking on the door, a petite Middle-Eastern woman dressed in a long tunic opens the door to a tile mosaiced wall complete with three faucets and running water and a curtain, behind which we're told is a seven course meal.  Done.

A waiter, garbed in Harem pants, shiny vest and fez, took us to a corner of a low couch in a dim, yet warmly lit room, where after our hands were washed (no utensils here), we settled into pillows and chowed down.  It was a really unique dining experience and I'm happy to report that Moroccan food does not taste like Ethiopian food. (By the way Ethiopia is on the bid list and if we get that tomorrow I am going to binge until I get there).

We spent Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with other members of Joey's class, trying to assuage our fears of flag day with alcohol.  We ended our gathering last night in the best way possible: with a trip to Dolcezza, a delicious DC gelateri.  I had dark chocolate (70% cacao) and lemon ricotta.  YUM.

Tomorrow is the big day where we finally figure out everything - where we're going, when we're going, what language we're learning, when language school is - we can finally plan the next two-three years of our life - finally!  Apparently every few flag days see some theatrics from FSOs or their spouses who really didn't grasp the whole overseas portion of the job - so I'm hoping that A) that's not me and B) someone provides some entertainment.  Is that bad?

That pretty much sums up lately, so here's a gratuitous picture of Joey for you all.  Poor guy's been working his butt off lately and is absolutely exhausted.  He really fell asleep this way and didn't even notice when I took his picture. And I know, Mom, I should have made my bed.

An Open Letter to My Landlord

Dear Sahar,

I moved every piece of furniture in your house today.  I'm not sure when a furnished apartment became "leave all your crap," but I would greatly appreciate it if you could pick up all the chatzkes around here and take them with you, as I don't have enough room for my crap, let alone your crap.  I mean the giant jade horses's head is beautiful and all but it would be much prettier if it didn't serve as a bookend for paper towels, since I have no where else to put them.  Today I decided the giant Eiffel tower statue that you left here would look much more authentic if I left it outside - the elements provide that lovely galvanized look.  And what's the deal with all the dead flowers around here?  I get the concept of potpourri, but a dead flower arrangement that still has the plastic fork that holds the card is not potpourri.  Can I please throw it away?  It gives me the creeps.  Also, you have these matching decorative wine and martini glasses and pitcher - they are in my way.  I actually like to use the kitchen to cook, as such, my cooking utensils that thank God I brought since your idea of a furnished kitchen is a ton of pots and pans and nothing else (and I may have gotten the only cutting board stuck in the drawer under the stove) need the home that your wine glasses are currently occupying.  And let's talk about the spice rack.   Did you think that by leaving me this spice set you apparently purchased when you moved in here in 2001 that you were doing me a favor?  I emptied all of the spice jars today, seeing as they had all turned gray or brown, and put them in the dishwasher. 

Additionally, how in the world could you have ever possibly thought that a white couch would be appropriate rental furniture?  I have three dogs and you knew that before you rented to me.  Did you just figure that replacing the couch would cost way less than the deposit that you'll probably keep from us?   I appreciate that you have someone coming tomorrow afternoon to steam-clean it, but I would have really appreciated it much more if you'd had that person come before we moved in.  Nonetheless I will continue to put my bare ass on it, so you may want to have it steam-cleaned again before the next tenants move in.  Speaking of cleaning, let's go back to the I have three dogs thing and you rented me a furnished apartment without a vacuum.  And didn't tell me to bring one.  Thank God I at least brought the little half-assed dust buster on a stick that I did, because if not, no amount of steam-cleaning the carpets is going to make up for not vacuuming nine months of three dogs' hair.  I mean, not that I should be concerned with leaving this place clean - I've never seen so many dust bunnies and cobwebs in my life.  Have you heard of a Swiffer?  Don't worry, though, I took pictures of all the stains on the carpet and paint scratched off the wall just in case you try to screw me out of more than just space.

Finally, the flat screen TV wall mount in my bedroom is really cool.  It would be even cooler if there was a TV attached to the mount.  Can you either take the mount down or add a TV?  I know it seems like a lot to ask but every night I go to sleep that is the last thing I see and frankly its ugly.

Your tenant,
Melissa

First off I want to thank everybody who reached out to me with their kind emails, texts and messages.  It meant a lot!  After hitting what I'm hoping was my personal nadir here on Thursday night and some pouting for Joey's benefit on Friday, I had a really nice weekend.

Friday night we tried Ethiopian food for the first time.  The whole exper- ience was really cool - you are served a huge platter of different foods with a basket of really spongy bread rolled tightly like a tortilla (but not tasting anywhere like it) and you break off a piece of the bread and use it to pick up the food on the platter.  I have some choice comments about the taste of Ethiopian food but my husband is censoring my right to put them here.

Conversation that just transpired:
Me: "Can I write _________?" Joey "NO."  Me: "What about ______?" Joey "NO NO NO."  Mr. Hotshot Diplomat apparently no longer has a sense of humor.

Saturday it was so hot here it felt like we were in Ethiopia.  For some reason DC was experien- cing a late heat wave and it was in the mid-90s.  Which is no problem, if you're inside.  But we had agreed to go to a Nationals baseball game with some of the people in Joey's class, so instead we sat outside in the sun and baked.  I should take a picture of the incredibly sexy tan line on my thighs from my shorts.   To compensate, we drank several $8 beers and had a great time.

The back of his jersey says "Tom"

Saturday night we went out for pasta so I could carb-load for my big 20-mile run yesterday.  I'm not sure though that I hadn't been carb-loading all day, what with the Five Guys burger and fries followed by beer at the game, but just to make sure I ate several pieces of bread, a heaping plate of pasta followed by three scoops of gelato.  Don't worry, I paid my penance yesterday morning.  About mile 17 I hit a wall.  Oh my GOD I was convinced I was going to throw up.  I just kept counting the seconds and telling myself only 3 more miles, 2 more miles, half a mile...  I made it - it took 9 minutes longer than I wanted it to - but I did run the whole time.  I have one more 20-miler before the big marathon and next time there will be no double cheeseburger and fries beforehand, nor any alcohol the day before and I will be prepared and have Gu on hand instead of having Joey make a last minute run to CVS to get some peanut M&Ms.  Speaking of Joey, in true amazing husband fashion, he followed me the whole way on his bike as my water boy, which probably got pretty frustrating to pedal so slow while I was chugging along at the end.  I saw some people with Camelbak water packs which I think I might like to get, but I have to admit, there were a few spots along the trail that gave me the heebie jeebies and I was really glad I had my security behind me.

Today we finally get our 400 lbs of air shipment.  I am so excited for hangers - all of my clothes have been camping out on a chaise lounge in our bedroom and it is impossible to decide what to wear.  I also get my Ugg boots, which is perfect timing because its been quite chilly the last two days - I think fall is actually in the air. We actually could have gotten our shipment Saturday afternoon.  Last Monday Joey got an email from the moving company that our air freight was in DC and we should arrange a time for it to be dropped off.  So Joey emailed the woman to schedule a time and she replied, "How about Saturday?"  Joey wrote back, "Saturday would be great - what time?"  No reply.  This was Monday.  So all week long, he emails them, calls them - no reply.  So Saturday we're at the baseball game and Joey receives a phone call from the moving company: "We're at your house."

Joey replied, "I'm not - no one called me."

Shipping company: "No one called you?"

Joey: "No - I tried emailing you, calling you and never heard back, so I'm at a National's game."

Shipping company: "Well when can you be here?"

Joey: "Two hours"

Shipping company: "How about Monday between 2 and 5?"  So this afternoon it is.  Yay!

We also submitted our bid list last night.  We had to rank each of the 94 posts high, medium or low.  They ask that you submit your bidding strategy along with your bid list; your strategy is basically three preferences.  According to State, if your bid list matches your strategy, they will try to honor your preferences.

For example, say Joey wants to work in management and learn French.  If there were a management job in Paris on the bid list, Joey would bid that high because it fits within his preferences.  Well, say there is also a management job in Guinea, where they also speak French.  If Joey did not bid that post high, the folks at State would say, "Hmm, apparently he doesn't really honor his preferences so why should we?"

So we listed our three preferences as follows:
1) Must be able to take dogs.  Which precluded quite a few posts.  Some countries on the list only allowed two dogs, some had breed restrictions, and some countries have really long quarantines (Australia's is 6 mos.).  So any country where we couldn't bring the boys got ranked low.  Everything else we ranked medium or high to make the point that the dogs are our number one priority.

2) Our second preference was for Joey to learn a world language (French, Spanish, Italian or German).

3) Our third was that the job either be consular or management (his cone is management and so in order to be promoted he must work in his cone, but in order to be tenured you have to have consular experience).  So all the posts where the job is in the management or consular cones and the language is one of the above we ranked high.  Everything else we ranked medium.

We had a meeting last week with his career development officer and she said based on his preliminary bid list his strategy was very clear and since were open to so many places we should be happy where we end up.  We'll see.  Everything is now in the hands of the State Dept.  However, after some research of the different posts, some of the places in Africa actually sounded really cool - I think now that I've come to terms with this "worldwide availability" waiver that Joey signed, I might actually like some of those posts.  One week from Friday and we'll know for sure!

I'm slightly annoyed.  We moved here less than two weeks ago and the State Dept has already sent my husband out of town for the night.  I realize that this was a planned activity that he knew about long before we moved to DC, but I still think its shitty that I'm stuck here alone.  I organized a gathering of the other A-100 spouses and so I'm definitely looking forward to commiserating with some of them (or at least dining), but it still annoys me that I have to sleep alone tonight.  I realize that there are probably literally a million single women that live here in DC and sleep just fine and safe all by themselves at night, and I realize that I also have about 100 lbs of deterrent in the form of a big, scary (unless you know him), barking black dog.  Nonetheless, I am definitely going to need more than one cocktail to fall asleep tonight - not to mention being brave enough to walk the two blocks from the Metro station to my house in the dark.  Okay, seriously though, I live in a very safe neighborhood and the Metro station is located in the convention center so there are always tons of people around and security guards and its not an issue, but I grew up in Iowa, ok?  I mean, we always locked our doors at night but coming from 26 years of suburbian living to downtown DC is an adjustment by itself, not to mention without my big, tough, strong husband to keep me safe (gag me - sad, but true).

Another adjustment?  Mobility.  Even though I have more mobility at my disposal here than I did in Iowa, I feel totally debilitated.  I swear to God figuring out this bus schedule, metro schedule, parking schedule and matching it to my schedule takes more time than the activity itself.  Monday I got another $25 parking ticket when I drove to yoga.  Apparently I missed the meters.  So Tuesday I decided no more driving, the public transportation is great in this town, I'm taking the bus.  I left early, went to the CVS to get my Smartcard for cheaper fares, and then waited for the bus.  Well the bus stop is on the wrong side of the street.  So when the bus came (early, or so I thought), I got on and thought "this is the wrong way."  After about 5 blocks I decided to ask the bus driver and he told me I needed to get off and go across the street.  What he neglected to tell me was that his was the same bus that would be arriving across the street, after it had made a loop around the Federal Triangle.   So I got off, crossed the street and waited for the next bus (20 minutes), got back on the same bus when it came, and by then had missed my class.  So instead I went to the grocery store and walked home. 

Today I got on the right bus (the website says the stop is at 11th and L - the stop is actually 11th and M) and got to yoga on time.  After class, I caught the first bus, but then decided I could probably walk home faster since I had to wait ten minutes for the second bus that took me 7 blocks.  So I ended up walking home but freaking out the whole time because like I said before, even though my neighborhood is safe, its quite a different demographic than that of Urbandale, Iowa.  It is so frustrating to me that to travel a little over a mile it takes at least half an hour on a bus each way or a very carefully parked car (and now that we are almost $100 into parking tickets I've got nothing but time to ride buses). 

The traffic and parking and public transportation in this town is just downright confusing and frustrating and frankly, I felt more successful at explaining to my 85 year old Italian-American grandmother (whom I love very much), who has lived within a 2-block radius her entire life, why I was excited about Joey's career choice to move around the world and why I am not at home, in Des Moines, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, than I have at getting around town these last two weeks.  As such, instead of taking in the sights and museums like I should be, I'm hanging out at home with the dogs.  Granted, there has been plenty here to keep me busy, what with unpacking, cleaning (I swear this place hasn't been cleaned in two years), and the dogs, but really, let's face it.  I'm chicken shit to go do anything by myself.  Besides run, of course, because for some reason with my iPod and running shoes I feel like I can do anything - so at least since I run the mall everyday I get to see the museums and monuments that way.

Anyways, like I said above, tonight is dinner with the other spouses and I am going to do it all by myself...


Okay so I decided not to post this earlier because I didn't want to get my parents all worked up...I thought, I'll wait until I get home safe and sound and then post it.  Well, I didn't have to worry about walking home in the dark at all because no one showed up.  No one!  All these people emailed me and said it was a great idea and the ones who couldn't come told me they wanted to do something another night and then there were some people who said they were coming and so I went and waited...and waited...and waited.  Finally about 20 minutes later, practically on the verge of tears, I went back to the hostess, apologized and went home.  I got a phone call about 20 minutes after that and I guess some people eventually showed up but there's only so much standing around by yourself waiting you can do before a breakdown ensues.  Luckily I got home before mine hit.

So dinner tonight for me is a protein bar and amaretto.  I would drink something stronger but all we have is bourbon and I can't drink that shit.  I'm not going to lie, I'm so freaking lonely.  It's one thing to be alone all day, with the exception of your interaction with your trainer, Mansur (not even kidding that's his name, and so by the quality of his name you can probably judge the quality of the interaction), but then to be alone all night too is really hard.  I mean, I didn't have a ton of friends in Des Moines, but I had friends there.  And my sisters.  And a few friends coming through town every once in a while.  Here all I have is Joey and now he's gone its lonely and hard.  I just hope that when we go abroad he doesn't have that many nights away from me because its hard enough to adjust to living in DC and not have him here - its going to be really rough when I'm trying to adjust to living in Africa and my husband is gone. 

Oh well.  At least I've got my boys.  

Well, we have officially lived here for a week and things are starting to get a bit easier.  We've learned how to navigate the Metro (subway) as well as the streets of DC.  We've tried several restaurants and I found a yoga studio.  We've also visited two churches in town and learned that A) there is a Mass any time that works for you (last Sunday we went at 7:30pm) and B) if we can make it to the 11 AM Mass at the church right by our house, it is well worth it!  Not only is the church beautiful (and on the National Register of Historic Places), the music is incredible.  The cantor this morning had such a powerful and gorgeous voice that after he performed a solo during the offertory, the congregation erupted in applause.  Following Communion, he and another man performed a duet of "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" that gave me goosebumps.  Apparently it gave everyone else goosebumps too because the duo received a standing ovation. 

We've also learned that two cars and one parking spot do not work whatsoever.  The Eos has been on Craigslist since we got here, but with only one low-ball offer so far, its been sitting in our parking spot.  As a result, Joey has been driving the Volvo to and from work every day and then parking it on the street at night.  Well on Friday Joey worked at the Main State building in Foggy Bottom, which does not have parking, which meant I had to watch the car and move it every two hours.  Not a problem in the morning, but that afternoon I was scheduled to meet him at work so I could sit in on one of the sessions about bidding, which precluded me from moving the car.  I would have parked it in the all day lot, but you have to be out of that by 6:30 and since there was a happy hour following the afternoon session, I didn't know if we'd make it back in time to get the car out of the lot.  Ironically, we got home about 7:30 and there was still no ticket on the car, so we didn't move it (even though the sign says til 8:30).  So of course we woke up to a $30 ticket - first noticed at 4:45 and noticed again at 7:45 (which meant we could have moved it and avoided the ticket).  Figures.

Saturday we went to the Eastern Market by the Capitol in the morning for breakfast and farmer's market.  I couldn't believe the selection and the food was so cheap!  You would think coming from a place like Iowa you wouldn't be able to match the selection and the price but it's just amazing here - we bought green beans, snap peas, sweet potatoes, peppers, garlic, lemon, eggplant, and heirloom tomatoes for $20!   We also waited in line for about an hour to get the famous "blue/buck" pancakes, which absolutely were worth the wait. 

A framed article on the wall at the Eastern Market

So since we had some errands to run, we stopped home to drop off the groceries and let the dogs out.  We plugged the meter ($4/hr on Saturday) for an hour and just missed it.  An hour and one minute later we passed the meter maid on our way back to the car and found a $25 ticket waiting for us.  So after $55 in parking tickets in two days we spent the rest of yesterday afternoon at car lots in Virginia trying to sell one or the other.  We put the Volvo on Craigslist this morning and it appears as though it will sell much easier than the EOS and since the cost to sell the EOS is the same as the carrying cost for the next nine months, it looks like I get to hang on to my beloved convertible a little bit longer.

The dogs (and I) saw their first Presidential motorcade last night.  After we got home from a long day at the car lots, we hooked the dogs up for a walk and saw another bevy of police cars at the end of our street (much like two nights before when the First Lady had been there).  So we walked down and there was a little crowd of people waiting.  When we asked what was going on, we were told the President would be speaking at the Congressional Black Caucus and that he was coming this way.  So we waited, dogs and all, with everyone to see his motorcade drive by.  It was pretty neat to see all the motorcycles, limos, SUVs, ambulances and armory drive by but I was a little disappointed you can't even make out a wave from the guy.

We found a mini dog park just around the corner from our house.  It's a vacant lot, but its fenced in and we're told the woman who owns it tried to get it zoned to build a home, couldn't, and since she loves dogs so much decided to leave it open for the neighborhood.  We took the dogs Saturday afternoon which they seemed to enjoy.  We enjoyed sleeping through the night last night.

Tonight we went out for dinner with two other guys from Joey's class.  It was really nice to get to know them in a more personal setting - it turns out one of them is from Iowa!  He grew up in Mason City but much of his family lives in Des Moines now.  The other guy is the grandson of a former FSO - his grandfather's last post was as Ambassador to Rome.  Wow.  And in true Italian fashion, we concluded a lovely dinner with a trip to the gelato shop (actually Argentinian gelato) next door, which was just as good as the gelato in Italy.  I can't think of a better way to end a weekend.