An Open Letter to My Landlord

Dear Sahar,

I moved every piece of furniture in your house today.  I'm not sure when a furnished apartment became "leave all your crap," but I would greatly appreciate it if you could pick up all the chatzkes around here and take them with you, as I don't have enough room for my crap, let alone your crap.  I mean the giant jade horses's head is beautiful and all but it would be much prettier if it didn't serve as a bookend for paper towels, since I have no where else to put them.  Today I decided the giant Eiffel tower statue that you left here would look much more authentic if I left it outside - the elements provide that lovely galvanized look.  And what's the deal with all the dead flowers around here?  I get the concept of potpourri, but a dead flower arrangement that still has the plastic fork that holds the card is not potpourri.  Can I please throw it away?  It gives me the creeps.  Also, you have these matching decorative wine and martini glasses and pitcher - they are in my way.  I actually like to use the kitchen to cook, as such, my cooking utensils that thank God I brought since your idea of a furnished kitchen is a ton of pots and pans and nothing else (and I may have gotten the only cutting board stuck in the drawer under the stove) need the home that your wine glasses are currently occupying.  And let's talk about the spice rack.   Did you think that by leaving me this spice set you apparently purchased when you moved in here in 2001 that you were doing me a favor?  I emptied all of the spice jars today, seeing as they had all turned gray or brown, and put them in the dishwasher. 

Additionally, how in the world could you have ever possibly thought that a white couch would be appropriate rental furniture?  I have three dogs and you knew that before you rented to me.  Did you just figure that replacing the couch would cost way less than the deposit that you'll probably keep from us?   I appreciate that you have someone coming tomorrow afternoon to steam-clean it, but I would have really appreciated it much more if you'd had that person come before we moved in.  Nonetheless I will continue to put my bare ass on it, so you may want to have it steam-cleaned again before the next tenants move in.  Speaking of cleaning, let's go back to the I have three dogs thing and you rented me a furnished apartment without a vacuum.  And didn't tell me to bring one.  Thank God I at least brought the little half-assed dust buster on a stick that I did, because if not, no amount of steam-cleaning the carpets is going to make up for not vacuuming nine months of three dogs' hair.  I mean, not that I should be concerned with leaving this place clean - I've never seen so many dust bunnies and cobwebs in my life.  Have you heard of a Swiffer?  Don't worry, though, I took pictures of all the stains on the carpet and paint scratched off the wall just in case you try to screw me out of more than just space.

Finally, the flat screen TV wall mount in my bedroom is really cool.  It would be even cooler if there was a TV attached to the mount.  Can you either take the mount down or add a TV?  I know it seems like a lot to ask but every night I go to sleep that is the last thing I see and frankly its ugly.

Your tenant,